My view of the world

i want to see the world with another eyes. because my eyes now are no good. i see nothing. yet i see around me. no matter how many times i look at the world i dont feel anything. its like darkness around me. i dont feel anything special about the world. i dont hate it nor love or like it. school. i dont know about that also. there are so many things that i cant really see. i can look at them but not see. no matter wherever i look. its only darkness. i dont know how to change myself. i dont have confidence. but i want to change. i want to see the world. i want to think about it. i want to feel somthing about it. about anything. why are my eyes arent exited about this world or anything in it? the bored eyes. how do i change them? how do i change my view of this world? how do i change myself? how do i change those eyes? the eyes that dont see light. just ignore it. i keep running. but i want to see the world in another way. i want to look at other things in another way. i dont like my view of this world. but how do i change it? what can i do? am i able to change those lightless eyes? i cant even see my own light. its in front of my eyes but no matter how much i will look at it i will never see it nor acknowledge it. the light that is infront of my eyes. will come a day when i will see it? all my dear people. family. this life. this world. will i ever really see it? i dont know how to change. i dont know how to change my eyes. i dont know how to view the world diffrent. am i capble of somthing like that? ahhh! so many questions. my head hurts! i hate this. why nothing mean to me anything till i lose it? why i realize it yet nothing change?! i know about myself alot. yet nothing change. i still act like that. hey how do i change myself? my eyes? my view of things? even if someone will tell me "you are not alone" nothing will change. not that someone will say that. oh i just dont get it! nothing i dont get nothing. i dont understand anything! why am i in the darkness when everyone is living their life?! why everyone have more feelings then me? more view of the world? why do i feel so alone? why nobody tryes to understand me? i feel so alone. i know my family loves me and care about me. but no one can see the bottom of my heart. neither do i. yet i feel so lonley because of that. no one can understand me. i can only sit here and think. "is it a lie? is it truth?" and never understand. i hate it! i cant go like this anymore! why am i like this? why are my feelings so weird? "im so bored" is what i think all day. "this world is so boring" keep saying things like that. or maybe its just in my mind? maybe im just dramatic? i dont want to make anyone angry or sad because of me. yet why am i so diffrent? i sometimes can understand other people. but no one can understand me. no matter how many times i will explain. everyone is trying to help me "you are alot in home and lonley. thats why you need to go outside and meet people" i dont have anyone to meet. i dont want to meet anyone". i keep my poker face. yet inside am i really lonley? i cant find anyone who understand me. someone who will love things like me. someone who will be my friend. everyone is too diffrent. no. im too diffrent. cant i stay like that? i know i cant. but…i cant go on like this. as i thought im still stuck in the darkness. unable to see anything. i can look at anything i want. yet i cant see anything. the only world i can see is here. is the internet. the place where i am myself. i can even be anyone else! this is the place when i dont think about anything. i dont need to look into myself. im just myself! always with a poker face. dont want anyone to distrupt me. "im ok" im saying with a smile. i dont feel anything…bad. yet am i breaking apart inside? am i losing it? am i about to cry? is my heart is crying? is it lonley? is it full of darkness? is it angry? is it sad? is it depressd?. or this isnt a lie. do i really dont care about anything but my own world? am i really not lonley? do i really not feel anything? hey answer me! someone…the voice inside me saying as quiet as ever. "hey why arent you telling me anything?" i ask yet its like that voice is dead. do i really cant see any light? cant i see this world? do i really dont care? i want to care. i want to. i want to feel. i want to see. in the shows i saw. the perfect guy always sent a hand to help the girl in the darkness. he was the light that save her. but that wont happen to me right? i wont be saved by a perfect guy right? i am alone. no body to say "you are not alone" no body to say "i will become your light" no body to say "everything will be alright!" with a true smile. no body to believe in me. to trust me. does anyone really love me? yea i guess my family…they really love me..right? but they show it in a weird way..though i wished i had someone. that understood me. that say "you are not alone" to be my light in the eyes that dont see anymore. ever since i was little i always was in my own world. playing a hero. a fairy. or anything. it was so fun. yet somehow the fun has lost it. i dont even know if i enjoy writing. but i want to keep doing it. somehow i feel like i want someone to tell me "well done! you created something beautiful!" ive been told before "well done" yet it was not as i expected. awkwerdly saying "well done" or "its nice" is not anything for me. it feels like a lie for a kid. am i just greedy? do i just dont understand anyone? i dont know anymore. the expectations are gone. the excitement is gone with it.
if only i could change. everything. myself .those eyes. my view of this world. everything.