true

am angry, so fucking angry
that I can't feel sorry for myself.
I'm angry, so, so angry
because I'm constantly comparing myself

to the disable, to the hard worker,
to the mentally stable, to every lurker
and then I wonder how can I live
take baby-steps or just drop everything and leave
how can I know when my brain is tired
my body knows when to shut-down
how long can I suffer from how I was wired
all of the trauma is blindingly making me drown.
I can't see anything anymore, everything seems so dark
All of the people around me pushing me down like a heavy ark
The government build on pools of blood
And the craving for money is getting thick like a fucking mud
Everybody wants to succeed but they don’t know the word of honor
They expect forgiveness and justice but do they have a donor
I've been talking to some lady at my job, she was telling me her story
About her dead husband and how much she is sorry
For letting every little thing to be forgotten, for losing control
And all I did is nod, and act like it didn't effected my soul.
I tried to act as though I don’t have a fucked up family
Like I had a normal childhood and didn’t had to act more manly
Like I wasn’t the first witness to my neighbor suicide
I was only nine years old when first felt like I'm losing my mind
Like hearing gunshots wasn’t a daily thing
It was natural like getting up from a chair of fucking sing
Now I can see the whole picture
Now I can see that I was hurt because I lived in the future
I talked to my therapist about a lot of things
How I grow up without a dad or ant siblings
It was mostly myself with my thoughts
, the memories and hopes suffocated me like a thousand knots
I grew stronger all by myself
I fought and figured it out shelf by shelf.

Now I know that my biggest fear was the silence,
Now I see how scared I am to stay alone.