Fuck love

My last relationship was terrible. It was based on ego, lies and one sided love and I was that side.
I felt used.
I was sick from those lies.
so i broke up with her i didnt had anotger choice but i still loved her it just i was tired to be the
only one who cares about this relationship.
I was broken.
I didn't believed that I would find someone in highschool.
So, after I got my broken pieces together and moved on I became more defensive more cautious about love.
But i was in a better situation, I was happy genuinely happy, just me and my friends hanging out, Laughing and it was fun. I miss those days.
So we grew up and moved to high school. It was a refreshing a feeling.
To be honest I did not think that I would find another love in high school.
Then she came. At first, we talked as classmates but we started to get closer and closer, all those looks that we started to give to each other and it came to late night talks and not official dates. She was just perfect.
And then I realized I was in love.
I fell to her so fast, like my defences weren't on, like the walls that I built around me had just… disappeared. She was so kind and pretty I could not control my feeling around her like my feelings is screaming inside me. This was a feeling I didn’t felt in a while.
We started to get closer and I love it and I was happy but there were trouble in paradise.
I was told that the same girl from my last relationship and she are starting to get close and after few days they were like best friends and she found out that me and her 'new best' friends were together in the past and that didn’t end good between us. So the past got in my life, it was the last thing that I wanted.
After some time that I was trying to ignore the problem she sent me a text,
She told me that she can't be any closer with me because of that girl from my past , I was devastated, I didn't know what to do.
I told her 'so what now? We are just going to stay distant like this because of her?'
She calmed me down and said in her gentle voice' don’t worry I will talk to her but we need to get a break between us for some time.'
I waited, there was nothing else to do.
I started to have the feeling that someone prefers someone else over you. Like what we are feeling for each other is nothing. I just waited… and then suddenly a phone call came up, I am hearing a nice and gentle voice, that sounds like a melody to my ear. It was her, telling me that everything has worked out, she talked with that same girl and now everything is fine. I couldn't be happier, my brain couldn't control my body. I was so happy… so happy. after a while that we were seeing each other and getting closer, I was talking with her on Instagram, a regular conversation, but something felt different. A bad feeling. I talked to her and she acted cold to me. I didn't felt the warmth in her messages anymore, like she was saying in her tone ' I want to end this thing between us'.
Like she was hugging me, but she did not want to feel my body. I started to lose myself. I didn't want this conversation to end. I felt that if this conversation ends, I will lose the thing that I was trying to keep for so long.
I tried to keep myself in her heart.
I didn't want that she will…. forget me
I felt like I was just an Emotional baggage on her.
I tried to keep the one thing that I loved, tried to keep that thing between me and her,
Tried so hard that I killed it.
It was so unexpected. I was in shock.
After a while, I hoped a phone call or text at least to explain what happened.
At the beginning of all of this I knew that it will not work, it was a gut-feeling
But I was not prepared that to be so fast.
Like a clean kill, it was instant.
Like she is slashing my throat, like she is trying to kill me, but I refused to die I tried so hard to stop the bleeding, but the truth is that I was already dead.
Love comes and love goes that's what they are all saying but it still hurt like… a burn you know? It's just hurts my flesh and as you heal it, it just get worse, you can't do nothing just let the time to heal it.
My friends said that I will forget about her in the someday, but I don't want to. I loved everything about her.
I know I will forget her in the future, I don’t have other choice. But as I see her in school and see her laughing with other boys, that hurts like hell, her existence is hurts me like hell.
I just needed to stay home that same day that I met her.
I always says that others had worse.
I just think to myself from time to time does it really gets better? Or we just get used to it?
In the end, I still don’t know what I did that she was just suddenly so distant and cold.
I only know that I did my best so. I guess I just needed to stay home in that same day that I met her.
.The heart was meant to be broken