Alone in Bangkok

He was a cold- hearted psychopath. I Didn't know that at first.

The wind was blowing hard while I traveled on the bridge back to my hostel.
It was a vacation. Or supposed to be.

I didn't know what to expect. I was feeling ill. That was the end of the second week of my traveling, I just had soup in a local restaurant. Felt like it was okay for me to rest, also since I had a lot in my plate for the past two weeks.
And there he was. Standing by the end of the bridge. Not a lot of people are standing out of the crowd in Thailand, since Thailand has a lot of the same visitors, but some people do. He was one of them.

I was bored and my face looked like it was in missouri. It wasn't my fault, since I was feeling unwell. so it wasnt regarding the trip. but Maybe I looked in trouble.
He looked up to my face and said hello.
The sun already kinda set and everything looked quite blue in that light. the wind was hotter than colder. I was wearing a beach dress and on top a light blue sweater.

It wasn't strange that he came up to me. Everyone on this island are approaching everyone. It is one of the main purposes of the island. the familiarity of a small place, the possibility of meeting people which are traveling as you, so it wasn't that hard to find things in common. You can see by accident more than once or twice the same travelers over again so you get comfortable with each other. The sound of the beach, The warm atmosphere and beautiful pure water, made it feel like heaven which made everyone an angle. If you are alone you have a good chance to get yourself a fellow, and when you see people in groups you can never know whether they met up here.
I was being approached several times on this island and this was my fifth day. Met some new people as well but everyone just left today and two days ago to another island, more distanced with less people. I wanted to come with them for one day, until I got ill. It smashed my plans.
Got one more boy on the hostel arrived today from India. Didn't know him and had the feeling he was really older then me. I was alone.

The guy in front of me had greened eyes and a beautiful face which made me think of baby. He was tall but not too tall. at least taller than I was. He was wearing parts of clothes that I had considered classy in compare of the other parts that the other travelers were wearing around, but he still didnt drow attention because of it.

I was feeling hurt at the time. Nothing seemed to be as it seems and the awful smell of street cooking, that I once considered tasty, wasn't hazited coming up to my nose. It gave me a severe noches. my body betrayed me, on a trip, on top of it all, it was difficult even coming out to eat. im not going to lie, i was afraid of stayng in dorms till i starv, and although i was feeling way better than last night i still could feel the uncomfortable of the illness and the pain.

still, I was a little surprised he came up to me. I didnt think anyone would approach someone that look unwell. I did wear my favorit sweater and I knew my big green eyes are beautiful especially this time of the day, the blue my teeth then radiates. yet it felt kinde of weird, as if maybe in some sort of a dream.
I have stoped walking and stared into him. my eyebrowns twisted down in worry as I forgot to look nice. I answered "hi", trying to hide my suspicions he wasnt real. he looked as if I was looking fine.
"Are you traveling alone?" he asked.

It was a weird question to begin with but I didn't mind at the moment. Maybe I really had too much on my plate, getting ill and all.

"Yeah" I said, waiting to hear what he wants. He looked good, as someone I can and want spend time around here. But it still didn't feel real. And I certainly couldn't imagine he would be into me or anything someday.

"that's nice to hear" he said.
I felt surprised. Something weird that I could read between the lines was hiding by the strong impression of honesty.
"I am traveling alone as well."
I couldn't believe it was that kind of conversation. He didn't hit me as the type. I could imagine anyone starting up with me in a bar or even at the beach. but not him. why would he?
I stayed quiet, didn't know what to answer next. I felt weird, almost awkward, but I knew I have a tendency to feel so.
"so" he said "what are you up to?"
"ummm…" I started thinking, feeling little bit more comfortable. I knew exactly kind of conversation is that, strange as it can be. I knew what we were we're getting at, and he didn't felt to me as a pervert as well. He looked perfectly fine and a bit mysterious. Mysterious as anybody can be when you first meet him. You don't know their stories, they don't look nothing like you, so you are intrigued. When you do hear their stories, it's all making sense. Or at least that is what I was thinking. I have to admit, he was looking kind of mysterious even after we've talked. Maybe that was the first real sign. He didn't hit me as a criminal, so I thought of everything in a most common way. Mysteriousy can be a character trade, not as if someone is hiding something.
" I don't know." I said. I didn't really want to tell him I was going back to the hostel because I was not feeling well. I didn't want to blow out the conversation. So I lied, but it was a tiny lie. its not like I said anything that really wasn't true. That was just half of the truth if I wanted to see it that way.
A second of silence, when he's gaze went through me. When he did that I felt almost insecure. Naked actually. just for a moment. But I shoved it out.
"maybe go to a bar or something." I was trying to be herd casualy.
Now that was a lie, but I felt like I meant it.
"oh yeah" he replied. " maybe Ill come with you."
It was an expected thing to say, but I didn't quite see it coming. It wasn't that obvious that that Kind of guy would join me at a bar. I wasn't feeling insecure, but as if some options that never occurred to me before was starting to open – because of course I'm in the right place. Im in heaven.
" which bar are you planning to go at?" he asked me.
I didn't know much names of bars around here so I just told him the only name that I knew. "banana roof top bar."
It was a a recommended place but I've been in once with some people. it was supposed to be close by. Anything on this island anyway is by foot.
" yeah let's have it." he said.
While going there I did feel a beat out of place by this handsome young man. it didnt feel straight that I go out with him anywhere like this. Still I got this feeling it was the right thing to do. Yes I was ill and it worried me, but I knew that options like this you should take advantage of, especially if you are on a trip. And knowing someone here when I'm Ill is not that of a bad idea. He could be an help. and I Could get up and leave the bar at any moment, I just wanted to look into it. Curiosity is not a stronger word enough for a young traveler exploring new people as if they were unknown lands.
Although all those plans, I have to admit, nothing about it was planned. I was driven only by emotions. That's what made it so special and excited.

When we got inside I couldn't not remembering why I didnt want to go back to this place. it had an atmosphere of crackheads, in which I couldn't explain. I felt uneasy, but everything felt easy with him. He looked like he could manage to fit any place he wants to, without even changing a bit. He looked so smooth and even warm like he knows what he's doing. I wanted to share his atmosphere and feel fit, which was easy since he's the one that I'm being with at the moment.
we set on a wooden floor without flipflops in hand. Everything was so yellow. we couldn't climb up the tree to be in a full height situation because up was full. 10 people were sharing the room downstairs. I could almost feel the smokes on my forehead, but I knew they arent close enough and that I cant smell what they are smoking. That was a good thing, and we almost could feel alone, though not in a tidy way. The kendalls made everyone feel chilled. and that was a good thing as well.
when the guy incharged came, I wasn't surprised to find out the order of the persone sitting in front of me. He wanted 2 clear shots, a real classy. I don't usually drink and on top of it I was ill so I didn't really know what to do. I didn't think it through. I ended up asking for a red cocktail. Something sweet and tasty that I could take time managing for.
"your first night?" he asked.

Now knowing better, I know he thought I was fragile. He was assuming so.

" no." I answered. " my fifth".
" that is a long time." he said, but didnt looked surprised. " what you had to look for here for such a long time?"
" oh, you know." I knew he didnt.
I intendant to tell him what I was telling everyone. " I want to feel a place deeply, fill myself with it, so I could let it go in tirely and feel I know something for truth." now when I said it, it felt to me too much movie like and not an answer you can give in real life. Something like a cliche but faker as if I wasn't honest with myself. Except that I was. I felt like with this kind of guy those typical answers might not be enough. I needed to speak from the back of my soul or give short answers to be satisfied. anything in between would feel unpurposed.
"I see." he replied, " you have a tendency to sick intimacy with places. That's not an entirely bad thing."
it made me smile, although I didn't know for sure why. Maybe it was the strong sense of honesty he has. maybe his humor. maybe my surprise. his eyes were so interesting.

now I think how can a person be so honest and still keep so many secrets at the same time.

suddenly I felt more energized, but I couldn't tell him more about myself. "and you?" I've asked.
"staying here a couple of nights. This is my second one." he add.
" from wher are you?" I couldn't resist but knowing.
"Im from the United States. And you?"
Something irregular showed in his green beautiful eyes. Some sort of unexpected curiosity that I was rush to ignore. it was hard to spot at. I saw all his right sides, what made it harder to see certain things in another way.

he was really handsome and polite, like someone for a movie, he well behaved and seemed to have all the right reasons, even if I was not sure what they where. I could feel he had tact, socialy as well, and that he is a very intelligent guy. He felt more normal than I am. like he was doing what everyone is doing without exceptions.

when I set there and the time was passing by. I really didn't feel the time passing. I Only Could feel the amount of zips that I was taken for my glass, is it goes empty. He told me a little about his job, something fuzzy, and he's reason to stay. at the end I felt like we were friends, although he didn't really tell me anything personal.
I think that is the second alart I was supposed to be aware of. and I kinda was, but I didn't want to. Strange things sometimes reveal themselves to be in the right places. No one wants to be a paranoid on his expense. I couldn't imagine anything dangerous.

I felt so lucky he was around. He's presence felt like a present that's made everything to look better. He had this calm aura and everything he did went so smooth. I liked the way he moved. actually I liked a lot of things about him. He was a good company and he made me try be a better me and feel reward about it. It went for an addiction. his eyes felt so friendly, yet distanced, what made me want to break this distance and explore More.
When I went to sleep know if I see him again but I knew his presence made me less anxious and less ill fragile even though I was weak. I felt happy going to sleep like it was an adventure, and the next day when he texted me and we met again I couldn't imagine seeing him again.

We hanged and went places, just to breathe open air and relax. Nothing really special. oh, but special it was. We went to the beach, seeing Gardens, sit at rocks, going to eat, watch some animals and Street activity, even went over a view point and set there. Everything just felt better when he was around and I started to feel more and more close to him into the point I found myself inviting him to go the next day diving together. I was planning to do my dives there, but I never imagined taking anyone with me.
At first the instructor took our both hands in order to help us move 12 meters below water. Wayne, that's his name of course, had a diving license, but he preferred not to speak of it in order to stay With Me. In the next diving that happened in the next 2 hours we were allowed to dive without holding hands with the instructor. I wasn't sure why our hands klicked and we were holding hands together in the Deep for some time. I felt High.
I didn't know why things go in the way that they did, but it didn't matter. I felt in good company. I didn't think anything romantic at the time, though I do have a big minus when it comes to divings.
I remember my first diving in a deep ocean. I had have an helpless feeling so my body reacted to the instructure in a chemical strong way. It feels like Falling in Love but my sanity stayd clear and I knew what I wanted. Same here in a less powerfull way. I had a chemical action but it didn't matter my consciousness.
But maybe it had an affect on me. At the night of the same day I felt comfortable enough to tell him That I wanted to break the distance in his eyes because they look so friendly. We were lying on our backs in my hostel. He was coming along to shaffer me. the Indian guy wasn't there. its funny how to magnets can get just a tiny bit more close to make a big clash reaction that would change everything, yet change nothing on the spot.
He came into my bed in a friendly way while we were talking. No, wait, I was talking. he just respond with his eyes, body and words. I felt so good, hyped and happy in a decent way. I felt like he truly cares for me and that I am protected with him. He's manly body didn't seem intimidating at all although I didn't really pay attention to the big muscles he has. They wasn't like a balloon, they were hiding together under his thin shirt. This kind of connection felt spectacular. I almost had the urge putting my head on his chest and sleep, as if he was my 15 years old innocent boyfriend. but noy really.
Everything felt in place while the room got darcker by the hour and I didn't realized what was pulling him over me. not pulling his body. but really his attention.

Evening was so peaceful I fell asleep like a baby. He answered me about what I said to him by laughter and then saying that I really should try. It felt like an invitation and I knew that he's amusement is sincere and that in that specific moment I could honestly tell by 100% that he really liked me, maybe his own weird way. but it was maybe in a very dark way – a way I didn't even know about.
his laughter made things being a little bit more romantic to me, which made me feel uneasy. As if I was a little girl that had a crash with her's 17 years old brother's friend. just the thought of it made me blash. when you are a kid, your love admiration should stay far, like in a movie. You are not supposed to fulfilled yours unmature feelings, you need to wait till you are not a kid anymore. Those instant crashes supposed to be something that helps you prepare for the real deal. Something that right now is big for you, even if the feeling is real. and that was big on me as well, just that in that case we were at the same age. I was not ready to this kind of relationship. Actually without even knowing why. the thrill of making this unmature fantazy happens made me feel a little bit tense and even uncomfortable. I felt turn apart, but I just tried not to think of it. and succeeded.

On the next day when we had nothing left to do. when we went to the beach I could see his muscles under his shirt for the first time, and I was amazed. I didn't think asking him what he was training for, because it fited his imaginary profile. So many tens muscles lying into his normal sized body, I knew he is a fast runner. This kind of experience in the water made me blush even more and not feeling good. I became awar of myselfe, and felt drawing into his body. I wanted to feel him, maybe even in a childish way, even though I knew it was forbitten.
when we got out of the heavenly water I barely could look at him. all I wanted him to do was to put his shirt and stop looking that way that made me un eased. it was harder to be close, looking into his eyes, telling him things without being afraid of some terrible way that he will know what I was thinking. Terrible enough if he goes away, and terrible even more if he fulfill my desires and kiss me. Though I didnt know why.
I had the feeling as if something happens and he will see me that way I would become a cheese and melt away, cant breath, cant handle, just in a position of non control or getting a hold of myself. I already started to imagine us together, and it was poisone.

I think he was on to me the second I couldnt look straight too long into him. he knew, as a predator, what was going on, though I was very humble about it.
when he lay on the bad, too close this time, I could have feel now his perfume. an addicting sent, how could it be not? Surrounding me with himself, as hard as it can be for me, without being seemed a little bit desperate.

yeah, I have started to feel confidence by the way he was looking at me, as if he was interested in me as well. I'm guilty as charged. it felt like something from heaven, not that I knew exactly what was happening for sure. Although in a way I did.

he have put his hand on mine and kissed me as if it was the most natural thing. as if, if we are two travelers, it is fine, this is what people do and how they explorer. by kissing, if they are not from the same gender. my reaction took time, but than after a while went strong and fast. I felt so gentle, like a pet, around him. when the fire got out from my body it felt so personal and fiery at the same time. it felt like im being all his, even if just for a short amount of time, beg for his attention.
it got him on fire.
I think I can know what was real and what was not. I know that the first day that he met me was a cold hearted show. but I also can tell he was genuinely surprised by my reaction to him, and maybe by what it was doing to him.
everything felt so spontaneous and true. We were at an addiction circle. he felt like a god and made me feel like a god too when I could see clearly my effect of him. he made himself look in love. maybe he was. his blash on his skin, his hevy breathings, his amusement and excitement by me being around or moving.
He started to show me even his cold sides. how he wins a beer pong game, how he wins thai boxing – just wasnt letting things getting into his head. he could manage staying completely cool, even after he is getting a kick to the stomach.
I thought he was an angle. It seemed so unreal. but he was real. and he wasnt the kind of angle I was thinking about.

I felt so lucky when he went with me to the other Iland. it felt netural as well. the big iland was the way of getting back to bangkok and fly home from ther.
the big flashi iland and the strip dancers anywhere didnt made him feel uncomfortable. He felt un touched.

when we hit the big city, I was going by myself to buy some groceries from the near store. he insisted to come with me but he had another matter and I told him I would be ok. Im just around the corner. I was walking by some phone app, that I had, to take me back, which led me to an ally. I didnt like it, it felt strange, but I didnt see another option. I was thinking in the meantime about how rough Wayne likes to be sometimes.
foot staps around me made me really worried and than A knife was suddenly hanging by my neck.
"turn around."
an excited crocked voice.
witeout farther worning I was wishing it will be Wayne. why would I think it can ever be him?
the voice didnt match.
I turned around and saw a big man with a smile, which was not shy, staring at me with fiercefull eyes.
"get off your close." iced voice.
I looked up to him. I could see in his eyes as if the did was already done. I was already nacked. he meant what he said and the horrifying thing about it was ther is no going back. I had no choice.
in one minute I have started to hoping so hard with all my strength for anything but this. I got out my skirt, and the guy put his nasty fingers on me.
He looked like someone who is working in some labor job. The knife was small but sharp, I could see that it couled kill, could leave someone bleeding to death. hanging down my neck.
He pressed my lower belly into his, and I looked at him in a way that memorized every inch of his horrible decisive face. My attacker, my worst nightmare, face. he had a bronza skin and Hazeled eyes, his hair dark and I could see he doesn't shave properly. his hand grubed my ass and he started to breath heavily while moving up and down. I saw his excitement and forbidden pleasure in every sick move he had to take. everyting was happening too quickly. he shoved his hand deep in my panties, and pressed harder.
" quiet." he whispered, as I couldn't control my sickness. looking into his eyes I had to know everything was real. I started crying long ago apparently, silent tears we're coming down my face into my throat. Eyes stayed open. can't really get them to shut. They are open in horrified. he took his own pans while holding me, still with the knife, and than anything happend. a smashed scald had a horrifying nois, I didn't realized what I had heard until my attacker fell and I could see tones of blood slowly getting out of his head like tones of red shiny snakes. I stared at the dead body in shock. my eyes looked with anxiety up, and than I saw my psychopath, standing almost on top of the man carefully, but with comfortable impression on his face. he had not mercy for, but killed. his upper hand we're holding knuckle duster smeared with blood.
I knew him good enough to do know he could have let him live. he could have put him into the hospital. but he didnt. he killed him instantly intendantly.
he was not playings any games. he revealed himself. he was being real, and couldnt help him self.
"Get dressed." he said. "you know, I intanded to do the same thing to you."
cold strims of blood were runing out in my vaines. I could replace my attack your face with his. my hole body was alarmed as if he did a threat.
he came up to me, holding the red knife of my previous attacker so I wont run, and put a kiss on my forehead.
after that he was gone.

my next 2 days in bangkok I went with crying. I couldnt do anything elss. I was afraid and on top of all heart broken. I felt no trust anymore. I rememberd we were making a salad together, with knifes. how close was I to die? I Remembered things he was making me do. how he was good and bed for me. making me bag.
on top of all I remembered the familiarity of a stranger. how easy was it looking him from a distance and like, or want to like, him already. He looked so pure, like a baby. his face is the face I see for all strangers, till this very day. they as well can be someone who only wants you to think what you think. you should always consider things carefully.
sometimes in my dreams I see me as the dead man who was trying to rape me. every thing me and Wayne did have now a different taste and smell. I am afraid some day he will be hungry for more. he did kiss me and went. maybe the truth was a present. and truth he will become one day.

every corner I was afraid he might be.
When I went home I didn't tell anybody what had occur. Only that I got attacked and got saved. by who I couldnt explain. when I was sitting on my cheir in my room I felt almost safe. no mor crying or runing around. no more seafoods and illness. I am home. but I brought with me a new sansation.
"you like to develope intimacy with places." he said. "thats not an intirely bad thing." 'making intimacy with people', I can almost hear him greens, 'is not intierly good'. he cant harm me, unless we are strangers.
"are you alone?"
"Im glad to hear you are."
was ther any intation to stay strangers from the first place?