You are fine

And in the midst of it all I found peace, I found victory.
.And it's the kind of peace you wouldn't typically classify as one
Peace in harmony. Peace that has no exact definition, just like clouds have no names because they always change their shape. This is it. my kind of peace.
I love it here, this far away village. It's tough but healing. There is something about this place that makes me wonder about butterflies and the way their wings are shaped and sometimes I find myself thinking about what would it be like to have my own wings, would I be able to fly higher and never fall? And if I fall would I be able to heal faster, knowing I have my wings with me, and so I would be able to fly again. Would I be able to take care of my wings?

I remember them staring at me, wishing I'd died, and so I did, I went to this far away village to find my death, I wasn't ready but I knew no one ever is. Ironically, I found life instead. I remember it clearly, the same day my mother threw herself to the river to never come back, I held myself so tight and promised myself that I would never do that to myself, I would never die before my time. But I did. I died countless times in my mind, and my soul died the same day I was told that I worth nothing and that I'm better off dead. You see, sometimes words pierce your soul so much that you see nothing other than your body flooding in the air and you are running barefoot on the ground, happy, and free. That's what I thought death is going to be like but when I threw myself into the river it was nothing like that. It was cold, dark… lonely. I remember it was so cold that I couldn't wait to get out of there, so I tried to swim but my body betrayed me and the only thing I remember seeing before my eyes closed was my own self reflecting before my eyes. I saw her hurt, there was nothing but hurt in her eyes. She was trying to tell me something but I couldn't hear anything. Then my eyes closed and although I wasn't ready yet, I knew I had to accept the fact that I was dying, that I died, that this is it. this is the end for me and my life.

But I didn't die. Someone saved me and brought me to the other side of the village, where there are more life than death. More light than darkness, more peace than chaos, more truth and authenticity than lies and manipulations, more compassion and empathy and love than apathy and hate. A place where no one is perfect but no one cares about it. There is harmony and peace. A place where you can try to begin to heal and mend your wounds, those of your soul, those that people have left in you. those that were like a tattoo to your soul for a long long time. I don't know if I can remove or erase those tattoos from my soul completely or forever but I do know that I don't want to die, the river is too cold and the darkness is too infinite, and my hands are not large enough to cover up the entire infinite, so I decided that I'll just stay in this village and build up my own true identity, my own true self, with peace, with love, with compassion.. something that this world lack so much. Compassion, a simple word with simple meaning yet so many people lack the basic understanding of this word.. I want to have compassion, for myself and others . For others to teach me compassion as well because no matter how well we think we know something, sometimes we lack the most basic understanding and we act as if we know nothing.

And at night I tell myself; this is it.. you are doing fine. you are not flooding anymore, you're not what those people made you think you are. you are fine. you are at peace even though nothing is prefect and you have days where you feel nothing, just endless emptiness, you are fine. you are not like your mother, you didn't give up on life, and even if you had died that night you tried your best.

You are fine.