The Cage

This dream of mine, I have treasured it for years. For years I kept imagining it everytime I got the chance; in class, in the bus, at night. I kept imagining –the feeling of finally seizing it. It is quite simple, this dream of mine, not a million dollars neither a husband nor kids. It is the rapturous ecstatic feeling of freedom.

My entire life, or should I say teenage – I felt chained by the community and society I lived with, like a bird in a cage. The reason for that is probably because I am different from all of them, and so as my world perspective. I believe every person deserve to have freedom; and freedom of choice mostly. No one gave me this freedom, not at school nor at home – that made me strangle. I became phobic to people, I couldn’t be with so much people at once or else I would get a panic attack. Sometimes I think it is because of the power people have, to affect me, to change me and to strangle me, again and again…
And so, with age I became a beautiful bird. The community did everything it could to break my wings so I won't fly away from their sweaty squeezing hands. It's the beauty of the bird that makes its owner want to keep it, right? – With my case it's not just beauty, it's the potential – that made everyone want to cage me with their wills and dreams for me.
It worked for them for a while, but I was too eager to get away from their sweaty squeezing hands. I started to plan, and create details to my dream. Then I decided, the first chance I get I will catch a plane, then a train, a bus, a cab, and then, then, when I won't have any money left, I will walk, as far as I can from here.
I can remember clearly the first time I tried it, and since then… trying forever. When I was 15 I remember coming home from school. My parents were at work late. Then I realized – I was alone, finally – the cage door is open, or so I thought. I packed a bag with a bottle of my mom's stash of vodka, a snack and money. I was so eager to get free, lose control for once in my life, to feel it clearly. So I wore a hoodie over my dress and a big coat, and cached the first bus I saw to… the other side of town, because my savings weren’t enough for a plane ticket. I wasn’t going to waste this opportunity. I didn’t felt it yet, I was too close. An hour later, I found myself walking on the beach, drinking almost a half of the bottle. I fell on the ground, set down – watched the sun go down. "What happened to you?" a boy, older than me in a few years asked, sitting next to me. "I ran away from home." I said, giggling, looking at him. "Oh. can I help you with that?" He pointed the bottle. "Go ahead, take it, I don’t even like vodka." I handed the bottle to him. "Then why are you drinking?" he asked, looking at me back. "I thought I could be able to set free with this, lose control, but so far it only makes me giggle." I said, disappointed from my bad plan. He looked at the sun again. "I can help you with that; all you need to do is to close your eyes." He suggested, and I did as he said. I felt his breath on my face, our noses slightly touched – I knew what is going to happen, he is going to kiss me now. I got up on my feet and headed back home, leaving him and the memories behind to fade away.
That moment I realized, it's not only them and their squeezing hands fault – I am stuck here in this cage with my doubt.
The doubt of getting to someplace else, someplace I don’t familiar with and mostly getting what I want.
I need to find a way out from this never ending black hole, some kind of vent. I need to stop this never ending fear. Somehow it seems now, that mine and everyone else's entire life was motivated by fear. It was the fear that tarred me apart every time I got the chance to escape. Yes, it was fear. Fear made me frizz in front of the cage door, the fear of being alone in the world, not having someone to run to. Was I such a coward?
So, now, I am 20, I have finished my service in the military; I am basically a free citizen, right? So I can leave now, right? Then why the hell I am in a train station, just sitting here while all the trains drive by?